March 20, ’15
ive been fooling myself for a while now..saying that I didn’t need time away from you. That I could well as be someone who didn’t have feelings for you at all. but I realized that it’s such a pile of bullshit. it’s as pretentious as actors or actresses while onstage..maybe even more. I cannot pretend anymore that I’m no miserable with how things are turning out.. so I decided to stay away because lying to myself isnt helping. Today, I took a step. it may not be radical or as drastic as others’ but it’s a start I guess?
;_; dont mind me im just blabbering. im struggling to make my thoughts coherent..but as you can see im failing. so goodnight.
“I actually do not care how many cups of coffee I consume,nor the number of sticks I smoke,the length of days that I struggle through or the countless songs i would listen to just to forget you.”
Contrary to popular belief,I’m not the one who could easily dismiss feelings the way other people do.I feel too much because I’m into my head too much..I space out more times than necessary throughout the day,always introspective.
It’s simply inevitable. I am not black and white,i am all the shades of grey. No,that was not a reference to the masochistic-sadistic, disgusting piece of so called literature(TAKE NOTE:I AM NOT INTERESTED IN THAT KIND OF RELATIONSHIP).I could not commit to one thing as easily and be against the other so absolutely. But I do try. And i try until I learn to commit to something..but it will take time.
What i’m saying is that,i’m trying. honestly,I am trying to move on. It’s not a one month kind of thing.. it’s not even a three months kind of thing. it may take as long as years even. But what I know is that it’s important that I’m taking baby steps every single day. Trust me,i’m exasperated with myself too,but i know im not giving up.I know I’ll make it out alive,I’ll come out better. Just give me time.