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bullshit


9:38 pm

March 20, ’15

ive been fooling myself for a while now..saying that I didn’t need time away from you. That I could well as be someone who didn’t have feelings for you at all. but I realized that it’s such a pile of bullshit. it’s as pretentious as actors or actresses while onstage..maybe even more. I cannot pretend anymore that I’m no miserable with how things are turning out.. so I decided to stay away because lying to myself isnt helping. Today, I took a step. it may not be radical or as drastic as others’ but it’s a start I guess?

;_; dont mind me im just blabbering. im struggling to make my thoughts coherent..but as you can see im failing. so goodnight.

xx

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Back And Forth?

Contrary to popular belief,I’m not the one who could easily dismiss feelings the way other people do.I feel too much because I’m into my head too much..I space out more times than necessary throughout the day,always introspective.

It’s simply inevitable. I am not black and white,i am all the shades of grey. No,that was not a reference to the masochistic-sadistic, disgusting piece of so called literature(TAKE NOTE:I AM NOT INTERESTED IN THAT KIND OF RELATIONSHIP).I could not commit to one thing as easily and be against the other so absolutely. But I do try. And i try until I learn to commit to something..but it will take time.

What i’m saying is that,i’m trying. honestly,I am trying to move on. It’s not a one month kind of thing.. it’s not even a three months kind of thing. it may take as long as years even. But what I know is that it’s important that I’m taking baby steps every single day. Trust me,i’m exasperated with myself too,but i know im not giving up.I know I’ll make it out alive,I’ll come out better. Just give me time.

Next

another heartbreak. but what makes this heartbreak so different is that I don’t even have the appetite for reverse-bittering,twitter rants,alcohol and the like. it’s just so unusual to feel just..just sad. No anger or whatsoever,just plain melancholy. maybe because I’ve already known that the possibility of him liking me back is a one in a million chance. or maybe I didn’t do anything else but to be wrapped by loved and to be stripped down of it;just experiencing the full throttle of all the emotional roller coasters. to tell you honestly, I’ve never ever ever ever liked someone this way before. a no holds barred kind of like. I’m glad I did like this person like this. I’m glad that I didn’t even bother putting up a single wall. I’m glad that I’ve come to know my limits and surpass them.  I’ll get over this soon enough. Heck I’m already doing it.

get ready,self. I’m ready for the next one. 😉

-_-” lose

losing people may not be as hurtful as it may seem.

Sometimes,we lose people because we cut them out from our lives,shut the door on then temporarily,or sometimes people just drift away from you or you from them.

I’ve been experiencing all these lately. It’s both exhilarating and unfortunate. Sad and almost heart-wrenching at first. but then there’s a numbing feeling that comes afterward. The indifference grows on you. Alienation from people seems normal as you age,as you move on with your life. Some people remain,maybe because of the sake that there was a shared history together. Some people though,when you haven’t spoken to them in years,they still connect with you in ways you cannot explain,cannot fathom. But the aforementioned persons,well…

People grow as we age. That is correct. people also grow apart as we age. That is also another statement that is correct. sometimes,when finding ourselves,we tend to lose people because they hinder us from maturing. Reality bites,my beloved audience.

We cut people out from our lives not for their sake,but for our own. How can we save others when we ourselves are so damaged and broken? when we let these people batter our souls & emotions to the brink of insanity? we cut people out not because we hate them for what they’ve done,but it’s just healthier that way.

??

That there’s a certain kind of sadness of not giving your heart or pieces of it to anyone. What I mean is, I actually miss the feeling of my heart sinking when I think of someone..or the countless times I tirelessly replay the moments I am with them. I miss the feeling of giving my heart with reckless abandon. 

I’ve always been the one who loves with no boundaries and usually, I get the short end of the deal. And actually,I got used to it. Now that I have so much love piled up,I don’t know where to begin to invest this huge pile of gunk. Where’s a Love bank when you need one? Ha Ha Ha LoL. but honestly though.

 

Loving myself more-Check.

Investing time and effort on people-Check

Taking time to relax-Check

giving my best in my studies-Check

making new friends and nourishing my relationships with them-Check

keeping in touch with old friends-Check

making sure my family is safe and whatnot-Check

 

and even with this much things to do,I STILL HAVE SO MUCH TO GIVE. The sad part isn’t having this much love,actually. It’s just that I’m afraid that a big part just goes to waste if I don’t invest it in something else or some people. ya feel meeee?

 

I’m sorry if you don’t get the point of this post. me neither. I just want to rant,that’s all.

kbye.